I tried, I failed Why Even bother Sometimes it’s best To Throw the towel in If anyone Could See it coming It wouldn’t be Half as funny My life, my time This is my own decision It’s time I did something selfish But my greatest regret Is that I won’t be there To see all my new friends Crawl out of the woodwork Wearing their fake sympathy And well rehearsed memories And notice the humor and the irony as they clean up the mess I made Notice the first to pass blame And the nonchalance with which they wash their hands Of the mess that they’ve made A sad testament that no one cared If anyone could see it coming, it wouldn’t be half as funny And notice the humor and the irony as they wash their hands of the mess that they made From this vantage point It’s easy to appreciate The humor and the irony No one else gets it

Admired from a distance Like forbidden fruit Oh so sweet but slightly toxic Just enough to drive you crazy Such a large part of my world Unbeknownst to her In her world, I don’t exist Not for long Pain Stains on white skin Lust Tender white skin My midnight confession You’re the object of my obsession You know it’s me at the end of the line You know I think about you all the…time I know when you’re home, just a thought to drive you crazy Come to me, in my dreams, how I obsess, it drives me crazy I can see you feel my stare – squirm – you drive me crazy Such a large part of my world I think I’m … I feel you’d be sympathetic You don’t know what I’ve been through Now I froth at the mouth Quench my thirst, drive me crazy I didn’t k now what I had And now you’re leaving soon You will be long to me Don’t struggle Pain Stains on white skin Lust Black and blue skin Warm flesh splits, thin flesh tears By varying degrees of force Natural reactions counteract Self defense Blood eases friction in an already docile hole The act done, the body falls Thin flesh tears From a minimal amount of force No more instinct to defend, body and will succumb Trails of blood converge In a now burning hole The act done, the body falls My heard was atrophied Dry and desiccated You made painful blood pump through Cold and callous was my game, I was dead 'till you made my heard beat painfully again I know when you’re home, just a thought to drive you crazy Come to me, in my dreams, how I obsess, it drives me crazy I can see you feel my stare – squirm – you drive me crazy Such a large part of my world

An antiquity, drowning in its own hypocrisy Proven wrong yet offer no apology It’s a pitiful attempt to save face A novelty, disproved by logic and technology Still clinging to their false beliefs And slowing the progression of our race Irresponsibility Think you should be taken seriously Pushed agenda in our public policy Your power should be weakened in the state Stupidity, your faith has no validity Destruction is coming internally Your truths are just the lies that you create Your holy shepherds have defiled your dogma The blood drops raining are Christ’s tears Pushing you skeletons into a closet And playing dumb for all these years Inquisition Holocaust Inquisition Rape Human, born evil like the rest Human, you’re not blessed Don’t turn your back now Don’t want to admit that you were wrong Painful to question faith and know You were Wrong all along Suffer the children unto me Don’t spare the rod for the abuse And then the preacher said unto them “This boy had me seduced” An antiquity, drowning in its own hypocrisy Proven wrong yet offer no apology It’s a pitiful attempt to save face A novelty, disproved by logic and technology Still clinging to their false beliefs And slowing the progression of our race Irresponsibility Think you should be taken seriously Pushed agenda in our public policy Your power should be weakened in the state Stupidity, your faith has no validity Destruction is coming internally Your truths are just the lies that you create

Likely story, how pathetic, giving in to what the world expects from you Mentality of a victim, you’re just a prisoner of your own design Don’t you know, that in this city, the streets are paved with fucking black tar? The choice you make, and in its wake, the ties you break, the life you take. No matter what they told you, There is no drug that cures this Before you try those lines on me, come up with something good enough to fool yourself I can’t condone your self-destructive ways. And I won’t listen to your self-deluding rationale. You can’t keep on telling yourself That you’re right where you belong You can’t keep on telling yourself That you’re right where you belong We lied to ourselves when we said… But you were right where you belonged You love your jailor You love your cell You find your heaven in your own living hell. The smell of burnt plastic won’t cover up the stench of rotting corpses and failure in this clandestine mortuary So regain your pride, grow a spine, Though I tried to help There were just too many gravestones to trip me between here and there No matter what they told you, There is no drug that cures this

Clench my teeth as my blood boils. I press my ear against the door. Try to tread the higher ground. Resenting my envy over this transgression. Fictional reality. Scenes unfold in front of me. I know this is just a dream but I must see how it ends. Who am I Where was I Was it real or in my mind? Hours lost No recollection Fractured memories replay Am I searching for something or running away? ……………………………………………………………………………………….. The glasslike fragility Of memory and identity The ground is slowly falling From underneath my feet ………………………………………………………………………………………… Collapse Under the weight of guilt Drowning In a sea of betrayal But how do you let yourself feel guilt for the worst thing you never did? It might be self delusion and me on the other side of the door I’m still dreaming I won’t be there after this Blurring lines In between Fiction and reality. The voice I’m hearing Sounds like mine - is it Dialogue or soliloquy? I know this is Just a dream But I must see How it ends Collapse Under the weight of guilt Relapse It’s happening again Watching myself from a third person view like someone else is pulling the strings Am I Indulging in a fantasy or denying what I really am? At the base of the citadel Scaling the wall to infinity Embodiment of a personal hell A taunting colossus stares down at me. If this is all just a dream Does it matter how it ends? Every night I’m back again Effigy of my worst nightmares If this is all just a dream Does it matter how it ends? Metaphysical metaphor An endless obstacle to climb If this is all just a dream Does it matter how it ends? Collapse Relapse Who was I then? Who am I now? Which part of me is the lie? Hours lost No recollection Fractured memories replay Am I searching for something or running away? Blurring lines In between Fiction and reality. The voice I’m hearing Sounds like mine - is it Dialogue or soliloquy? ………………………………………………………………………………………… Scaling an endless wall To escape the prison of my mind A futile endeavor This is the part that goes on forever ………………………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………………………… Perception coming to a screeching halt. And as the end draws near I know it was all my fault As my face smashes through the glass and my life flashes before my eyes I try to hold on to my conscious mind because I need to see what’s on the other side I won’t be there Self deception The words I’m hearing sound like mine Vicarious Indulgence It was me the whole time Wishing Lusting Dreaming Making it real In my thoughts or in my deeds Shamed for what I might have done Real or not Either way, it’s a nightmare I can’t wake up from

I just started driving at random. The city is a landfill, so I knew that I belonged there. Saw a liquor store with a dirty broken neon Sign of the times – hearkens to our desperation I didn’t mean it when I called her an angel Because I pay her to serve and I pay you to die. I refuse to believe this is for my protection Because I lost all hope and I lost my erection. You don’t even know what her name was, do you? Low income housing really kills the horizon You don’t even know what her name was, do you? Low income housing really kills the horizon I just started driving at random. The city is a landfill, so I knew that I belonged there. Saw a liquor store with a dirty broken neon Sign of the times – hearkens to our desperation I didn’t mean it when I called her an angel Because I pay her to serve and I pay you to die. I refuse to believe this is for my protection Because I lost all hope and I lost my erection. You don’t know what her name was, do you? Low income housing really kills the horizon You don’t know what her name was, do you? Low income housing really kills the horizon Don’t even care what her pain is, do you? When you fuck them you don’t look in their eyes You don’t know what her name was, do you? Put my hands behind my back Give me a heart attack Who can I turn to now? Because - She died too soon, so let’s exhume She died too soon, so let’s What we lost from your hypocrisy The best therapy money can buy What we gain from your bureaucracy Another name for the public to decry Put my hands behind my back Give me a heart attack She’s never coming back Who can I turn to now? Because - She died too soon, so let’s exhume She died too soon, so let’s exhume She died too soon, so let’s exhume She died too soon, so let’s - Some people say, she was dead anyway. So what’s so wrong with digging her up… The city will wash the blood off the concrete, While you sit hiding in the back seat, The good old boys downtown will quash the heat We’ll have a good fucking laugh at them… Some people say, she was dead anyway. So what’s the problem let’s dig her up… again You don’t even know what her name was, do you? Low income housing really kills the horizon You don’t even know what her name was, do you? Low income housing really kills the horizon Don’t even care what her pain is, do you? When you fuck them you don’t look in their eyes You don’t know what her name was, do you?

A grandiose interpretation of perception Through a voice that perpetuates deception Pay no attention to what’s behind the curtain An abstract construct where nothing is certain A watchmaker creating in seclusion An avatar born of arrogant delusion Fabrications I indite Anything but my real life Here is a list of all the things that make me fucking sick Inflate my importance, just to make you feel like shit Flaunting triumph in a passive aggressive war We don’t all fight but we’re all keeping score Hell is other people I no longer speak their language Holding in my vomit The stench of life makes me fucking nauseous All deception, smoke and mirrors, they won’t see me Altering reality All deception, smoke and mirrors, they won’t see me Hiding in the smoke screen All deception, smoke and mirrors, they won’t see me Altering reality All deception, smoke and mirrors, they won’t see me Voyeurism through one way mirrors An opaque vision of a crafted image Solitary misanthropic self stimulation Hell is other people I no longer speak their language Holding in my vomit The stench of life makes me fucking nauseous A grandiose interpretation of perception Through a voice that perpetuates deception Pay no attention to what’s behind the curtain An abstract construct where nothing is certain An experiment in human isolation Trading intercourse for mental masturbation A self-serving narcissistic proclamation Meant to mask a sense of quiet desperation Stand in shock and awe at the perfection I’ve created An orgasmic sense of pride, like the first time god masturbated Looking down, Throwing up Playing god and Jerking off Jerking off Jerking off Jerking off What’s behind the door? Don’t let it be my real life What’s in store? Don’t make me live my real life. Please don’t make me live my real life You’re not fooling anyone It’s all transparent

If I were you and you were me – I’d kill myself to make you happy But you’re still you and I’m still me – I kill myself, but it’s not enough It’s not enough…it’s never enough Take this pain Take my strain Take my ulcer Take these chains Take this noose Take this stress Take my word - Under duress Take this pain Take my strain Take my ulcer Take these chains Take this noose Take this stress Take my life and shove it up your ass The machine will only work If the parts are all in tandem Without all the gears in place This machine is a disgrace Captain, this ship is sinking No sails, no oars, what were you thinking? Seems to me that you were not Now we get what you have brought – Nothing…… That’s what you get…(nothing) The gears turn Lubricated with blood and sweat There is no glimmer of hope that tells me today will be different Time is pain Every day a carbon copy of the previous Today things will be different The machine will only work If the parts are all in tandem Without all the gears in place This machine is a disgrace Captain, this ship is sinking No sails, no oars, what were you thinking? Seems to me that you were not Now we get what you have brought – Nothing Nothing is not enough – everything is not enough. It’s never enough. Take this pain Take my strain Take my ulcer Take these chains Take this noose Take this stress Take my word - Under duress How does it feel? Greasing the loudest wheel. How does it feel? Mutiny is coming If your cat were the size of a tiger it would fucking eat you – remember that

What we created, what did we find? Virulent minds De-evolution of common civility. Dauntless slander Impudent words Projection of hatred Just a façade for one’s inward vitriol. Hiding behind Virtual walls Anonymous armaments Fosters a courage they’d never know otherwise. Arrogant ignorance Envy and bitterness Self disgust Proudly spiraling downward to the abyss. First crawled out of primordial slime, Growing changing, evolving with time. Then Degeneration and retrogress Lead to hating with more, killing with less. Striking while hiding – the mark of the weak. Lying, denying, covert conspiring. Can’t hide forever and soon you will know Sooner or later you reap what you sow Gagged and bound, beaten, bloodied. Your penance has just begun When did they get so soft? They’re using words instead of swords Why did they shed their armor? Life is a constant battle. Do you know where we are? I saw her standing here Alone and Forlorn Crying in the autumn breeze When I take Your blindfold Off I’ll look you right in the eyes I can’t undo the past but justice must be served I should have known the signs, I should have seen the pain in her eyes, the sadness in her voice, but she kept it bottled up inside. I should have seen it coming, by the whispers and innuendo, but I was naïve to the gravity of what I chalked to up to as immature bullshit. I should have known before, by the look in her eyes when they knew who she was, but they’ve never met before. I should have known much better, but instead I kept my mouth shut - a mistake I will never live down, and even shedding you blood won’t absolve this guilt, but… Blood for blood Eye for an eye Hunger for vengeance Fosters a hatred I’d never know otherwise. Where did this come from? What have I become? Hypocrite maybe, but this I must do to quiet the ghost in my head Things were simple back in my day Actions followed by consequence This simple lesson I’ll drill into your head When you murder innocence There must be recompense I’ll leave you in the open, I’ll not dig you a grave I won’t deny my actions, I’ll tell them everything Now we’re all alone, the time has come Your blood will wash away her tears. Don’t be a coward Look me in the eyes and face your death. As the knife comes down You cry for help Your screams will fuel my hatred Don’t be a coward This is what you did to yourself Your pleas for mercy can’t drown out the echo of her cries. From this day forth that will be no Refuge for cowards Courage through fiber optics I didn’t realize until that night when I saw her dead on the bathroom floor, blood streaming from her wrists and throat, and at that point - I told myself I’ll never, I’ll never keep my mouth shut, lest the world become overrun by the spineless. Look me in the eyes, die with some dignity Don’t be a coward, this is what you did to my little girl. As you beg for your life I see you for what you are A scared child, a cowering worm From this day forth there will be no Refuge for cowards Courage through fiber optics

How can I Explain the feeling When time has lost All its meaning Existence paused Amidst sorrow Perpetual December The seasons halt Time is stagnant Yet my soul Is growing older I haven’t seen The sun in years It’s been eclipsed By doubts and fears I can’t go anywhere without double checking and I close my eyes because I can longer comprehend or believe all the bullshit so I keep my head down and mouth shut it’s been so long I’ve forgotten… How to talk Searching for something to come and break the monotony Even something bad would be a welcomed change of pace Something to come and break the monotony Two black and blue eyes should tell you that I’ve been shown the way more than once Why don’t we learn from our mistakes Turn your head and hide the scars like I don’t know what’s going on Why don’t we learn from our mistakes Desperate times call for desperate measures agony of anticipation You’ll never learn from your mistakes Doesn’t it say a lot about me, doesn’t it you fucking cunt I’ll make you pay for your mistakes On that night I heard the truth and a minute finally passed Now that I know I’ll never let you forget Wouldn’t want you to have to live to regret Like I Do Frozen in time.